When Trust Is Broken – One Woman’s Perspective (By: Marisa Alamilla)
Every woman knows what it feels like to be hurt from being lied to and cheated on. It’s our very worst nightmare to even think that a man we love with our entire being would find comfort in the arms of another. But if the truth can be told when a woman catches her partner cheating in a relationship, the hurt is not rooted in the fact that he has been or slept with someone else. She is mad and hurt because she has been lied to. She is upset because she is now faced with the reality that the man she loves is a deceiver. She realizes that she can never trust him the same again because he has no word! The truth is my brothers you did not live up to who she thought you were, you have lost your integrity in the eyes of your lady. She can never look at you the same knowing you are not a man of your word. You have broken her confidence in you. Her knowing that you will do what you said has been shattered. There was a time in my life that I believed that once integrity had been breached, it was impossible to recover it again. I now realize that it’s just extremely difficult but where there is a real desire to make things work that it can happen and has happen to many couples in and around our small community. The reality that I have come to accept as I look around our small country is that MANY people have relationships that have lasted through infidelity. Many relationships have survived the drunken kiss from a stranger, the one night stands and EVEN full blown affairs. As I listen to the many accounts of the cheating man, I realized that as varied as the forms are the reasons and they range from boredom to immaturity or just good old plain -poor judgment. The reality though is that no matter the reason cheating shows a lack of respect for our partner and once she discovers it trust will be broken. Going out alone leaves a bad taste in her mouth as she always has the nagging feeling that whenever you do there will or can be a repeat. She never knows when you are telling the truth. When trust is broken to get the relationship back will take a lot of patience, communicating beyond the anger and a willingness to forgive. Relationships on a whole to be healthy require much work and when there has been a betrayal it takes double the work to repair it and without trust there can be no relationship. Anyone who has been through this can tell you as a woman to be willing to work with your man to rebuild trust is a painful road but if it is accomplished the bond that is built is a lot more tolerant, resilient and meaningful for having been tested. A man who is grateful for another chance at getting it right is a first ingredient to even making it possible! Men: Be patient and understand that it will likely take a long time for your woman to place trust in you again, if she chooses to do so. Being patient and waiting on your partner to rebuild trust on her terms is key. Pushing her to do so, or becoming impatient will be counterproductive. You may need to put your need to have trust reestablished after her need to feel confident in the relationship. Please understand that when you have cheated on your woman you have to prepare to be tested. You have hurt your lady that loves you and she at that point has no reason to believe you will not do it again. She will be calling you when you are out with friends, when you claim to be at work, when you are off on business trips just to see if you’re really alone and really are doing what you said you were doing. Dependent on the degree of insecurity you have caused you may feel at times that you are being interrogated by the FBI, you may be asked to present receipts, provide proof of your whereabouts and even asked for witnesses. If you really want things to work you will need to bear all your trials patiently and be prepared for them, this is normal after any kind of betrayal. It will also be important for you to keep any new promises you do make and following through on things you said you would do are key to rebuilding trust. Even the smallest of things will matter, such as being on time, being where you said you would be, and keeping promises to do a chore and coming home when you said you would. You may need to offer some type of restitution renewing vows or offering a sincere apology (more than once). Understand that your actions have created an unstable environment and getting it back will take lots of time, patience, work and understanding.
My Ladies: Working through being betrayed will also require a lot from you. Throwing tantrums will not cut it. Communicating your feelings in a calm and honest fashion while will be very difficult and will require much work on your part will be necessary. Understanding that because trust was broken your self-esteem would have inevitably taken and blow and may be suffering and will need care and attention is vital. You may find that you are asking yourself questions such as “why did he do this to me?” “Does he love me?” “What does she have that I don’t?” and then you start questioning your worth. This can lead to serious depression, poor health, anxiety and many other side effects. Anyone who been through this experience can tell you what you are feeling is as normal as you can expect. You will still need to address it! You will need to do for yourself and try to boost your self-esteem and while I have never felt the need for it do not scratch off the need to seek professional help if you find yourself unable to break out of the rut. Both partners: Please keep outsiders out of your relationship. Don’t let hearsay and rumors ruin your relationship. An outsider is any and every one beside you or your partner and includes close friends and even family. A simple statement can turn into an entire story by the time it’s been processed through a rumor mill so you will need to take special care to take them in with a pinch of salt and once it bothers you address it with your partner calmly and rationally. I am now a firm believer that trust can be rebuilt in a relationship when both persons are open to learning rather than controlling. The minute you can control your partner your sixth sense tells you others can too and that’s scary. Only when we truly believe that our partner is with us because he or she wants to be, because they love us, rather than out of fear, obligation or guilt can we feel secure and trust again. I have always said trust is one of those things that CANNOT appreciate and can only depreciate therefore we cannot put terms to trusting. “I won’t trust him until he proves he can be trusted again.” Being able to predict your partner’s response is one of those impossible things and will inevitably lead to failure. The way to build trusts as hard as it is will be to be open, risk everything and speak the truth always. It will develop over time by respecting each other’s strengths and weaknesses. Relationships fail when one partner feels they have loved too much and the other hasn’t loved enough. Trust is never easy to build back but it’s possible and there is no master plan for making it work after being cheated on. Each relationship is different and each individual comes to the table with their own dynamics. My best advice from this woman’s perspective is forgive, be patient, communicate past the anger and be honest always.