As human beings we develop relationships with the people around us, while some of these may be merely an acquaintance there are others that we build a solid intimate bond with. But what happens when that relationship is threatened and the little green eyed monster rears its ugly head? Jealousy is an emotion. Other than that no one can say for sure what it really is; attempts to define it are elusive for a reason. It is a complex emotion that involves, at a minimum, distressing feelings such as fear, abandonment, loss, sorrow, anger, betrayal, envy, and humiliation.
Some believe it is a survival mechanism that can cause an individual to act irrational and do things that he/she would not do under normal circumstances. It is an intense emotion that can and has led to many homicides worldwide. But why do we get jealous? Are our partners to blame for our jealousy? How do we overcome it before it spirals out of control and we end up like Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction?
Nothing can bring a relationship or marriage to ruins faster than jealousy. Being in a relationship with a jealous partner is difficult. The jealous person acts untrusting or unworthy and his/her feelings of jealousy do make them unattractive and at times even repulsive.
According to L. Ron Hubbard, a —-, “Jealousy is the largest factor in breaking up marriages. Jealousy comes about because of the insecurity of the jealous person and the jealousy may or may not have foundation. This person is afraid of hidden communication lines and will do anything to try to uncover them.”
Some possible root causes for jealousy are the lack of self-confidence, meaning that you have doubts about your abilities and skills. It can also stem from having a poor self-image – if you think or believe you are ugly, chances are you’ll experience jealousy when you see your partner talking to someone more attractive. Fear is another possible cause – it can be the fear of ending up alone, being rejected or losing your spouse, which is all understandable but self-control on our emotions is key. Insecurity is another, which would stem from the first two mentioned, poor self-image and lack of self-confidence.
If you experience or suffer from any of those emotions mentioned then you have some work to do in those areas. That is not to say that your partner may not share some of the blame for your jealousy, perhaps he flirts a lot with other women around you, or maybe he has been unfaithful before which made you break that trust you had in him. If you believe that your jealousy stems from your partner’s behavior then you do need to communicate that with him. You need to stop assuming the worst and ask questions. Communicate your feelings so you can work out solutions. Whether your partner’s actions or behavior is or is not the source of your jealousy the priority here is to take care of you and your emotional wellbeing.
When the feeling of jealousy steps in the first thing you need to do is ask yourself whether the emotion is more based on fear or more based on anger – then ask yourself why. It is key to recognize which body part is being affected. Usually if you get that dropping or clutching feeling in your stomach – it would more than likely be fear. Whilst if you get a tight and burning sensation in your neck, jaw and shoulders – you’re likely angry. Then there could be a combination of both. In this case you need to let your feelings be known but rather than speak in accusatory manner, express your emotions with, ‘I felt…..” rather than “you are…”
One of the positive points with being jealous is that it can signal to you what you want and what is important for you. So ask yourself, why are you feeling jealous. What is making you jealous? What is it that is being threatened or what are you trying to hold on to or keep? Understanding what makes you jealous is important as you can then start to work on keeping what is being threatened rather than become caught up in a wave of negative emotions. Be sure to remove false beliefs and change them into positive ones. Once you start creating a happy and fulfilling life for yourself you will find the anger, the fear and the jealousy will vanish. Avoid people that create these negative beliefs for you like gossipers and trouble makers.
This step in overcoming jealousy is crucial. Do not compare yourself to others! Make a list of all your good points and only compare yourself to yourself. Uplift your sense of self worth and confidence by noting your accomplishments, inner qualities and other positive things about you. Work on your self esteem by opening a journal each day and jot down supportive messages to yourself. In time it will sink into your subconscious. With high self esteem the feelings of jealousy will not over power you.
Finally, FAKE IT!!!! You heard me…put on a show while you’re work through these steps. Even if you are still jealous, portray a non-jealous facade this will protect you from appearing jealous to others. It takes strength to do this but it will be worth it.