Infidelity – Is It Inevitable???
By nature, I have always been an inquisitive person. I see something and I question why and how and the likes thus I enjoy having conversations with strangers not only because it opens up an avenue for new friends but also because it gives me an insight into the minds of these individuals. Following several recent encounters, I find myself playing with several topics in my head for this column but after meeting a young man over the weekend I have decided to touch on ‘infidelity’ since it seems to be affecting many unions.
In 2009 when I started this column, I wrote on my personal experiences at that time and how it affected me. Since then I have grown, my thoughts have evolved and my perspective has changed. Back then, being in my mid 20s, I was devastated at the thought of being cheated on and even more so when the proof of my partner’s infidelity slapped me in the face. Today, however, after sharing my experiences and listening to other men and women give their sides of the story, I have come to the conclusion that cheating may actually be inevitable in relationships, perhaps more so with the men than the women.
I have a good friend of mine whose husband gave up their 10 year marriage for another woman – she kept saying to me that she was convinced that men are not made to be monogamous – it’s just not in their DNA. At first I thought that she was lashing out from her husband walking out but today, two and a half years later, we share the same view.
With all the men I have encountered and spoken in-depth with, I am yet to find one who has not been unfaithful, (there is one that keeps on saying that he does not cheat but then again his definition of the word leaves a lot to be desired). Men have confided in me their affairs and women, their experiences in dealing with the infidelity and in my mind I think if you’re going to be in a relationship for the long haul, you prepare yourself for the pains of infidelity.
There I said it! Prepare yourself for it! Speaking to a young attorney last week, I mentioned to him that I wanted to write this article but was hesitant due to the backlash I may get from the ‘independent women’ in our society who keep professing that their lives are so great because they don’t accept bs or tolerate indiscretions. But tonight, as I sit here thinking about it all, I say, what the hay….it’s my perspective.
Now let me clarify, when I am saying that men will cheat on you no matter what you do, how well kept your home is…I am saying that we need to understand the make-up of man. Many men are weak creatures – they are easily influenced by the scent of a woman and unfortunately there are many aggressive women in our society that will conquer whoever they lay their eyes on regardless of marital status.
In essence, when you enter into a marriage – be realistic about your expectations as a woman. Ensure that there are more pros than cons in order for you to be content. In my opinion, if you have a spouse that respects you, spends time with you and the family, provides for you, your home and family and still wants to play (safely, of course) out there then what will you do? Will you give up the comfort of a home and family because of a situation that you will more than likely encounter again in a second relationship?
The first time is always difficult, I will give you that…the experience of being betrayed and cheated on has the potential to turn you into a cynical and bitter person. But when you take an assessment of the relationship, yourself and humans in general, you become more at peace with yourself because you will find that you will no longer go into your spouse’s cell phone, or check the car for any traces of another or question whereabouts or why we are on the other end of unanswered calls.
By accepting and preparing yourself for this you need to have a good communication with your spouse and let your partner understand that while you may be willing to work out your marriage beyond the indiscretions, there are certain conditions that need to adhere to primarily, safe sex! In addition to this, men need to stand their ground and let the other woman understand and respect his home and family. Priority should always be given to the home and family! Perhaps if we understand that men don’t need to be emotionally attached or involved in order to have sex with a woman then we can go through these changes with more finesse.
Men can undergo their indiscretions with absolutely no thought of leaving his home or family and if you’re a woman in this type of relationship then from One Woman’s Perspective, take stock of what you have at home and see if it’s worth holding on to. Always keep in mind that you will never find all the traits you’re looking for in one man and always remember the saying, “this too shall pass” when you find yourself going through your issues. Never let anyone discourage you from making your marriage work – that’s a personal choice only you can make. For the other woman who sometimes get caught up in a man’s promise to leave home – don’t be devastated when he doesn’t fulfil his promise of leaving – he didn’t keep his marriage vows so the possibility of him not keeping his promise is very high!